Shattered Hearts

 Picking Up the Pieces


After we found out that we would no longer be able to adopt our baby boy, we were devastated.  Our families were just as shocked as we were.  How do you move forward from something like this?  My wife has such undying faith, that she really is the reason why we were able to keep going.  I felt like she was walking forward on this crazy journey and I was crawling on my hands and knees worn out and emotionally drained.  But, there is a silver lining to everything that has happened.  We just had to look for it.

My wife was able to keep looking for possible children that we could inquire on.  I don’t even know how she could keep looking at all of these children after what we just went through, knowing that the very same thing could happen again.

One day she came across a little boy online.  This little boy happened to be placed with a different agency.  She inquired about him and to her surprise, received a response that he was still available for adoption and located in Poland. However, it was made clear that they wouldn’t transfer his file to our agency at first.  We would need to wait for his file to expire so it could be turned over to our agency.


Somehow, my mother’s saying of, “patience is a virtue” would ring through my head every time we were told we needed to wait just a “little” longer.  So, we did just that.  We waited.  While we waited, we continued to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts.  Packing away clothes, toys, and even bottles.  They were all things that we weren’t going to need anytime soon.  Now, we were stuck in the weird time of, do we prepare or do we wait for what seemed like certain doom?

I don’t completely remember how long we waited.  Anytime we waited during our adoption journey seemed like a lifetime.  At some point in time the agency that my wife contacted reached out to her. Surprise, Surprise…on the last day the little boy’s file was with them, he was matched with a family.  We were so happy that he was able to have a forever family.  But we were so saddened that yet again we had failed to take a step forward.  And again we would grieve.

We had no clue what to do!  One of our boy’s was available for adoption in Poland, but now we were hearing from our international agency that there were new delays due to the pending issues that occurred with our old international agency.

NOW WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While this had occurred we were contacted by a worker from our old agency that was employed in Poland.  She told us to transfer our file to a new agency that she was going to be working with.  Then she told use what was music to our ears.  She said that she still knew where our boys were and that she was familiar with our adoption file.  Initially, we were convinced that this was the best move for us. I mean, why wouldn’t be move to the agency she would be working with.  No matter the cost, we just wanted to adopt the two boys that we fell in love with.  It was a no brainer.

We reversed everything started to transfer our file again.  Then this worker started asking weird questions and we began to second guess her advice.  Sending money via Western Union was not something we were going to do.  And which is most certainly not legal within international adoption and The Hague Convention.  Ultimately we cancelled the new transfer and stuck with our current international agency.  It was the best move we made.

We were at a stand still, not going anywhere anytime soon with our adoption, and we had no clue what to do.  A very sweet lady called us from our current agency and proposed the idea of switching countries from Poland to Bulgaria.  She told us the procedure with the country of Bulgaria was predictable and reasonably paced regarding time frames.  At first we were unsure. We had so many questions and no answers.  How were we going to say goodbye to our boy we were still matched with?  Could we really move forward?  And where the heck is Bulgaria?  So many difficult decisions were at hand and we were in no mind set to make them.

It was a whole new country, which meant a lot in the process of adoption.  We would need to completely start all of our paperwork over…again…for what seemed like the millionth time.  It meant a whole new set of fees and a whole new in-country worker that we would need to somehow trust.  How can you trust a complete stranger, when $25,000 was basically stolen from us?

Well, we decided to switch countries. It was a tough decision with so many uncertainties.

Could it honestly get any worse!

We weren’t ready to tackle all the issues that were happening with the country of Poland.  We wanted something that was reliable, predictable, and somewhat fast paced.  Paperwork became second hand as did all the hurdles that came with.  We grieved leaving our matched child in Poland and moving on.  Something like, grieving the loss of three children, left a very big impression on our hearts.

We were now headed into unfamiliar territory.

Our social worker at our new agency knew we were eager to start a family.  She emailed us a couple files to review to see if we were interested.  One file particularly stood out.  The file was for an older boy.   It said that he loved school, music, and playing outside.  He couldn’t have been a more perfect fit.  Even our social worker thought so. We decided to commit to him and move forward pursuing his adoption.

Could we really be matched so soon?  Is our adoption journey finally moving in the right direction?

Well…for moment all seemed content and right.


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