Loss and Pain
How can we keep going like this? I don’t understand why these things keep happening? All the adoption stories we have read haven’t been like this. Most of them, the adoptive parents were matched and then baby arrives and they’re a happy family. Why have these certain events been laid before us.
I know, I know…God has a plan.
I admire my wife. Never, through the entire process has she lost faith. Am I weak? God has a plan.
He had a plan alright, a very big plan indeed. One Sunday afternoon my wife and I were spending time at home. The phone rang, oddly, it wasn’t a phone number that we recognized. It was our social worker. She informed us that there was a baby girl that was available for adoption in a neighboring county. This was a special circumstance, as the baby girl was technically born into foster care. We were so excited that she even thought of calling us. She gave us a list of possible concerns regarding pregnancy and delivery. We didn’t even hesitate! We told her to please put us on the list of interested parents for the county to pick from. Hopes were raised that we could be mom and dad to a baby girl and rather soon at that.
Monday came along and we hadn’t heard anything throughout the day. Work came and went but still no call. Later in the evening, after supper was said and done, she called. She had an excited tone to her voice. We knew it was going to be great news. It was!!!!! The county had picked us as the number one pick. We were going to be parents.
Right away, we had to tell our parents. We drove over to my wife’s Grandma’s house. Ironically, my in-laws were there. It was as if they already knew! We went and could barely hold it in. They were so excited, tears were shed, and questions were asked. We couldn’t stay long and left for my mom’s house. On our way there, we had called my dad to tell him. He was excited, beyond excited. The same occurred at my mom’s house. Tears and excitement were the common theme.
Tuesday arrived and we were beside ourselves with anxiousness and excitement. When would we hear from her again? What time of day? When would be be able to meet our daughter? The day went by and we arrived home after our work day. Nothing! No phone call, no voicemail, or no email. Now the concern level was raising.
What was happening?
Wednesday, the day that will never be forgotten, came. We had a normal morning, trying to avoid the thoughts of what could happen. The day continued on as normal. Work was normal. The commute home was normal. Everything seemed normal. Shortly after we arrived home, while preparing dinner, the phone rang. It was our social worker. You could tell by the tone of her voice that it wasn’t good news. She explained that the county had made the original decision and that after they decided they told our agency to pick a family. Their policy is to pick the family that has been waiting the longest. There was one family that was waiting the longer than us.
How could we be told she was ours and that we were going to be parents? Then two days later be told that she wasn’t ours.
Anger and frustration engulfed my mind and my soul. We both were so upset and now we have to tell our parents. Again, taking them on the emotional journey. I wanted to avoid this. Our parents were devastated just as much as we were. The don’t deserve to go through all this. This was our cross to bare!
I was ready to surrender. I was done. Adoption just didn’t seem to be in our card. But somehow we kept hearing God has a plan. Keep the faith. Those dreadful words that would eventually seem empty to me. All I could do was hold and console my wife, which was one of the hardest things that I have had to do in our marriage.
We knew we were coming to the end of our adoption journey somehow. I knew we couldn’t continue on with some much emotional devastation. We just couldn’t do it.