Heartache and Hurdles

Literally Expecting the Unexpected

I am going to be honest from the start. Adoption isn’t the pretty picture that is painted all over Facebook, Twitter, and spread from email to email amongst family and friends. Adoption can be painful, full of disappointment, and loss. Our case is such.

Now, if you are just tuning in, we are at the point in our journey where we have completed our homestudy and are on the active adoptive parents list. We felt like half the battle was won. But like I stated before, it is an up hill climb and we still haven’t reached base camp.

We tend to be pretty ambitious with things that we do in our lives and treated the adoption the same. Together we built a website about our story and started a gofundme page to help raise money. My wife’s father suggested we do business cards that we could leave at specific places just incase a birth parent came in and wanted to make an adoption plan. We tried to do things to market ourselves that was safe and legal.

It’s not like we can stand outside a “certain clinic” with a sign saying, “We want to adopt your baby!”, although I really wanted to.

We waited and waited and waited. And we waited some more. My wife started looking at rainbow children, or children with special needs that are available to adopt across the country. Now this could be any child or even a sibling group that was available with no actual special needs. We checked out other states and inquired on a sibling group of two.

Two young boys from Minnesota were available to adopt. We went through the proper channels and forwarded our profile and homestudy to the state social worker. After a couple weeks we received word that the county or state, whatever, decided to keep the boys within Minnesota. I for one, was devastated and heart broken. You have a family willing and able to adopt a sibling group but because we are located in a neighboring state, you say no. It just didn’t make sense to me.

A few weeks later I received a private message via Facebook. A friend of a friend located on the west coast was expecting and wanted to make an adoption plan. I thought that it would be slam dunk! A friend of a friend couldn’t get more legit. A few weeks went by and we hadn’t heard anything. We had emailed our profile, website information, and our homestudy. Then that same friend private messaged me later on and said that the birth mom decided to parent.

I was very happy for the mom. It is amazing to become a parent and provide for a child. We could only imagine the feeling. On the inside my heart was broken and torn right down the middle.

If this was how our journey was going to be, well then I was ready to throw in the towel. It is like being on the worst up and down, round and round, and sideways roller-coaster you have ever been on. We tried not to take our immediate family along for the ride, but it is hard to shelter them from the heartache. They too want to be excited and happy about welcoming a grand child into the family.

We never expected that we would have a potential match fall through.  We never expected to have hurdle after hurdle.  Even after we had all the talks with our social worker, nothing like “having a potential match fall through” had been brought up.

Everyone kept saying “keep the faith”, “God will provide”, or some other phrase to attempt to lift our spirits.  I would just scream on the inside every time someone said something, but I would smile and thank them for their kind words.  I wanted to tell them, “But it’s not ok.  It hurts and it sucks that it happened.”  But I didn’t.

It was more upsetting to keep hearing those things day after day whether in person or on Facebook.   I understand that friends and family were trying to be supportive and at the time there wasn’t much more that they could do.  But sometimes a simple hug so we could shed a tear or let out a sigh would be better.  Without those people in our lives, we wouldn’t be at where we are at today in our journey.  Through all of our difficulties they continued to support us whether monetarily, through prayer, or in other ways.

We had to keep moving forward no matter what hit us!  We had no choice!  We were vested completely and knew that there was a child or children that was meant for us.  Somewhere.

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